


I Don't Know

by hikarusora



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Idols, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Based on Seventeen's songs, Choreographer Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi, Cross-Posted on Twitter, Post-Break Up, Producer Lee Jihoon | Woozi, im experimenting idk how to tag
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-08
Updated: 2018-12-08
Packaged: 2019-09-14 05:22:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16906902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hikarusora/pseuds/hikarusora
Summary: ••••••"How much longer you wanted us to stay like this?""As long as we could.""If that so, I've already reached my limit. I can't take it anymore, Jihoon."••••••"I wanted to end this mess.""Then why not?""Because our relationship is both a bless and a curse, Soonyoung.""We love each other but the world don't want us to be together."••••••





	1. Habit

**Author's Note:**

> aight, people. if you think you've read this somewhere then you're right. you read this on twitter. specifically @leekwon_haneul's twitter because yeah, im that bitch. 
> 
> just thought i need to give an early warning for this before...idk..any assumptions(?) lol.

°❀•°✮°•❀°

_Currently playing: Habit_

_1:00⎯⎯●⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯ -4:14_

_I feel my lips dry_

_The lips that used to call you so much_

_I_ _realized then, like a habitual saying,_

_That I desperately looked for you as I called for you._

°❀•°✮°•❀°

 

Jihoon walked into the practice room to get his bag. They were just finished all the practices for today and all of the members have already headed to their dorm. He stayed behind for a little while to clean up the mess in his studio.

He was busy packing up his bag when a sudden sound of the door swung open startled him. He turned to see Soonyoung entered the room with a towel hanging around his neck.

"Hey, Soon-" he abruptly shut his voice when Soonyoung just passed by him, almost bumped into him without saying a word nor even look at him as if he wasn't there.

Jihoon scolded himself internally.

_'Why did you do that?! Why did you talked to him?! Have you forgot what have happened between you two?!'_

Jihoon stood there unfazed, not even moving an inch when Soonyoung passed by him again and headed towards the door. He clenched his fists tightly when Soonyoung just leave the room without a word. Not like he even hoped the guy to say anything to him, but at least taking a glance to him won't hurt, right?

He suddenly let out a small chuckle. Who am I kidding? Maybe just by hearing his breath would cause a thousand pains to Soonyoung. He has been giving Soonyoung a lot of pains ever since he let him enter his life. Even when he asked Soonyoung to go so that he wouldn't have to bear all the things that have hurt him so bad, his eyes showed the biggest pain Jihoon ever saw. His smile that time was the most painful smile Jihoon ever received.

_But then why I ever called him again when I'm the one who asked him to leave? Why am I always called his name when he's even not around? Why am I always looking for him whenever we practiced? Whenever the group gathered, why are his smiles, his laughs that I kept looking for?_

The small boy lowered his head, he stared at the end of his shoes as he felt his vision became blurry with tears.

_'No, please don't cry again. You have cried so much these days. You don't need to cry again.'_

Jihoon constantly told himself to not cry but then he gave up when a drop of tear landed on his shoe. He let the tears fell. He bit his lips hard as he tried to contain his sobbing from being too loud. Slowly, he let his body sat on the floor and dragged his knees closer to his chest before he buried his face in them to cry even harder.

Why? Why does he have to feel all of these?

He was the one who chose to end their relationship yet he felt hurt the most. He was supposed to be happy when Soonyoung finally does not have to suffer with all the hates he got from Jihoon's parents and their fans. He was supposed to see Soonyoung shows his happiest smiles to everyone again but why were all of that didn't happen?

Why does he not feel happy at all? Why does he not see those smiles from Soonyoung again? Why does he keep looking for Soonyoung and saying his name again?

Jihoon wiped his tears with the hem of his sleeves. He rested his chin on his knees while staring at the closed door where Soonyoung was last to be seen.

_'I guess it just came out as habit because those were what I always did when we were together. Yeah, it just a habit. I shouldn't keep this habit. I should stop. I'm just hurting myself more. I'm probably hurting him too when he caught me looking at him again after all these things that happened between us.'_

Does Soonyoung ever feels the same as him? Does Soonyoung ever think of him again after they break up? Does Soonyoung ever calls his name again after they were nothing? Does Soonyoung ever look at hi-

Jihoon heaved a sigh.

_'Are you dumb Lee Jihoon? Or are you blind? Can't you see that he even make you like you doesn't exist at all? Can't you see he just walked out of this room without even spare a glance to you?'_

Jihoon bit his lips again as his tears fell for the nth times.

Yes, he is dumb. He is blind. He is a fool.

Because he always thought he could live without Soonyoung. He always thought he does not need Soonyoung besides him. But then Soonyoung seems to be happier without him, right? He should be happy, right?

He was always laughing with the other members. He always seems to have fun with Seokmin and Seungkwan. He even played and joked around with Wonwoo. When he was not able to figure out new dance moves, he will always look for Dino and the rest of performance team and then he would smiles happily when they were able to help him.

It's funny when Soonyoung always did all of those things with him before. Guess that boy doesn't need him that much after all.

_'When I feel tired or sad, I'll think of you and I get to smile happily again.'_ Soonyoung's voice suddenly played in his mind. Once again, tears trickled down his red cheeks.

Because of those words, he sometimes hopes for Soonyoung to feel tired or sad just so he could think of Jihoon at that time.

Selfish isn't he? Yet, that is the truth.

He always look at Soonyoung after their hard practices, thinking that Soonyoung will look at him so he can smile and forget all the tiredness. If it was before their break up, that will always happen. But now after their relationship has end, those words just seems like a lie. A fake hope.

Just a few words from Seokmin or Wonwoo, he will get all hyped up. Does not need to think of him at all.

_What a fool, Lee Jihoon. What a fool._

Jihoon finally stood on his feet when he felt a little better after all the crying session. He turned to look at his reflection on the mirror. His puffy red eyes were clearly visible to make people know he was crying. He let out a small sigh again. He took his bag and swung it over his shoulder. Jihoon walked out of the practice room and went to the toilets to clean his face before headed back to their dorm.

 

°❀•°✮°•❀°

_Currently playing: Habit_

_3:04_ _⎯⎯_ _●_ _⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯_ _-4:14_

_I want to tell you that_

_I want to see you_

_Now that you’re gone_

_The habit of calling you I live, unable to erase it_

_Because of you_

°❀•°✮°•❀°


	2. Smile Flower

°❀•°✮°•❀°

Currently playing: Smile Flower

0:56 ⎯⎯●⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯ -4:14

Because we're together, I'm able to smile

And because it's you, I'm able to cry

Like this, how could there be anything I can't do?

°❀•°✮°•❀°

 

The blasting music in the room could deafening anyone that heard it. It was too loud and the beats were too hype. Anyone that was in the hallway could even heard the loud music that was played from the practice room. Yet, the tall figure in there was too immersed into the music to be bothered by the loudness. His body was moving swiftly and smoothly, opposing the upbeat of the song but still succeed to make it perfectly match with the song.

He ended the soulful dance with a little spin and a light stomp to the floor. He panted heavily as he stared to his reflection through the fogged mirror in front of him. He looked at his rolling sweats on his face and his neck. But then his gaze was locked on something else that were streaming down his fluffy red cheeks.

Tears. His tears.

Soonyoung clenched his fists as he walked closer to the mirror.

He wiped the steams that was caused by his heavy breath throughout the whole dance session since the past two hours. He just wanted to make sure that his eyes was not tricking him by seeing something else he would not want to happen that time.

But they're not.

As the mirror became clearer for him to see his reflection, he found himself staring at his red eyes. And the tears were still there, flowing from the sharp, charming eyes he owned. Soonyoung felt a lump in his throat. He turned his back to the mirror and quickly wiped the tears that were still running down his cheeks. He walked to his phone that was plugged in to the speaker.

He stopped abruptly right in front of the speaker. The song that was just came through the speaker made him bit his lips a little bit too hard that it almost bleeding. The tears that was just stopped suddenly fell again even before he could stop it.

Since the past two hours, he has been dancing to Seventeen's songs that were in his playlist. But the playlist was specifically listed with the songs that have the most contributes, in both lyrics and composing, by Seventeen's main producer, Lee Jihoon.

Call him stupid but that's what he did. So he just stood there, quietly sobbing as the speaker continued to blast the music in his playlist. The song that was currently played was the song where he could hear his ex-lover's voice singing his favourite lyrics.

Smile Flower.

Soonyoung felt his knees weakening. His heart ached and his throat hurts.

The voice. The beautiful lyrics.

 

_"Hey, Hoonie."_

_"Yes?"_

_"What's this song's actually about?"_

_"You."_

 

He wanted to cry harder but he knew it will just make him worse. The voice and the song that used to make him feel so happy whenever he listens to it, now they just made him hurts in so many ways.

Soonyoung quickly wiped his tears away before he rushed to his phone, unplugged it with the speaker and stopped the song from playing. The room was in silence. The only audible sounds that could be heard was his heavy breathing mixed with his little sobbing. He leaned his back against the nearest wall and slowly slid his body down until he completely sat on the wooden floor. He dragged his right knee closer to him while letting his left leg stretch out comfortably.

Soonyoung half-heartedly spun his phone between his thumbs and index finger while staring blankly at it. His mind was filled with things he could not described with words. His heart was full of emotional feelings mixed together that he did not know how to express it.

It's almost three months since he broke up with Jihoon.

No. Since Jihoon broke up with him.

Soonyoung never imagine that things like that could happen in his life. He never thought breaking up was part of his relationship with Jihoon. He never and would never think about it but it still happen.

They broke up. And Soonyoung broke even more.

He knew some fans and even Jihoon's parents could not accept the fact that him and Jihoon were gay and dating each other. But he also knew his love for Jihoon is more than his love for everything and that was why he was able to protect their relationship even though people just threw hates on them.

But it seems like the fact that their fans and Jihoon's parents mistreated him and only him has made the smaller felt extremely guilty and decided to end their relationship. And no matter how hard Soonyoung tried to convince Jihoon that he can accept anything that people give him, Jihoon still couldn't take it anymore. And that was it.

 

_"I wanted us to be happy. Being together ain't let that happen to both of us. So this is the only way."_

 

Soonyoung chuckled bitterly to himself. He turned on his phone, revealing his lock screen. He stared at his favourite picture that he has kept as his lock screen ever since the picture was taken. It was a picture of him hugging Jihoon from behind while resting his chin on the younger's shoulder. Jihoon, with a slight blush on his cheeks has put his hands on Soonyoung's hands that were wrapped around his tiny waist. Their smiley faces next to each other.

Soonyoung's eyes became watery again.

_'Don't you know that you're the reason to my smiles? Don't you know that your laughs were the source of my happiness? Don't you know by just standing near you I already feel like I own the world?'_

_'And don't you know I didn't lie when I said thinking about you made my tiredness go away and I'm able to smile again?'_

_'I didn't lie Jihoon. I would never.'_

But then, if Jihoon thought breaking up will make him happy, why not just let things happen that way? Soonyoung thought trying to convince an egoistic like Jihoon to get back together would not let the situation any better. So Soonyoung decided to go along with Jihoon's flows and leave their precious relationship behind. He distanced himself from Jihoon and spent more time with the other members, showing off to Jihoon that, yes, breaking up with him is the only way to make them happy.

Or so he thought.

Soonyoung knew he was lying to himself. He was not all that happy the entire time. He knew how he always wish to spend times with Jihoon again. And he knew Jihoon have the same thought too because Soonyoung was not blind yet to unsee the looks Jihoon always give every time they around each other. He was not deaf yet to unhear Jihoon 'accidentally' called out his name without any purposes.

He wasn't that dumb too to not notice Jihoon was not as his usual self after Soonyoung has been subtly ignoring him these past two months.

Yet now, he felt he was the stupidest person to ever exist. He noticed all of those little things but he didn't do anything to change that facts.

He wanted to. But he can't.

Because he was a coward and Jihoon was an egoistic. How was the situation could get any better if both of them just wanted to be that way?

Soonyoung let out a small sigh before he stood up from his position. He grabbed his bag nearby and stuffed his things inside it. He then slung the bag over his shoulder and slowly walked up to the mirror again. He stood there for a good few minutes, locking his gaze with his own red puffy eyes. The strain of tears were visible on his cheeks.

He breathed out one last sigh before made his steps towards the door. Leaving the room, Soonyoung decided to go to the toilet to clean up his face before heading back to the dorm.

°❀•°✮°•❀°

Currently playing: Smile Flower

1:56 ⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯●⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯ -3:52

Without holding back,

I always feel like I am the only one receiving from you

That's why, I'm so thankful and even more sorry

Even if I want to hug you tightly, what is this hesitation that comes?

°❀•°✮°•❀°


	3. I Don't Know (part 1)

°❀•°✮°•❀°

_Currently playing: I Don't Know_

_0:38_ _⎯_ _●_ _⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯ -3:52_

_Our hardened relationship, our unsolved fights_

_The opening door is becoming the focus point as we turn our heads_

_Let's talk next time_

°❀•°✮°•❀°

 

Months have passed since the two leaders broke their precious relationship, for the sake of everyone. Months have passed which means tears should have been dried, wounds should have been stitched up, grudge and revenge should have been forgotten.

Things like that could happen just in months? Are you serious?

No. Of course not.

Tears may have seen to be dried. But just because their eyes don't tears doesn't mean their hearts don't cry. Wounds may could be stitched up that fast, but the scars sure marked the pains they held for themselves.

Their current status of relationship were quite unexplainable. It was somehow getting more complicated than before as they were sometimes found ignoring each other or annoying each other, causing them to sometimes end up into a fight or quarrels.

Soonyoung and Jihoon arguing, that was nothing new between the members anymore. They fought over small things, the members already got used to it. Bickering when they disagree with each other, it happens most of the time.

The members believe these were their ways to make the situation less awkward between them and the members. Although sometimes it was actually hard to guess if they were fighting for real or just some unnecessary quarrels, the two just make it look like it was nothing important. But at least none of the fights were gone too far, so the members did not put much worries about them. At least they were being positive and thought everything would be fine.

But hey, everyone knows nothing would always be fine and go on your ways. Things sometimes have to go wrong before you learn to make it right.

Here were where things started to go totally wrong between them. And unfortunately, it had to happen right before their comeback.

Because the comeback was the cause to it.

After they held the first meeting for the comeback, the rest of the members including some of their staffs and their managers could felt an uncomfortable tension between the two leaders, and that did not seems like a good thing at all.

They knew exactly the reason behind it, but too bad for them as they can't do anything to change it. The comeback was set on the 15th of December, which happened to be the most important date for both Soonyoung and Jihoon.

It was their anniversary, and also the date where Jihoon decided to break their relationship.

Soonyoung could blame Jihoon for making things more complicated now because he knew they both could not forget the special date of where their relationship started sweetly, but then he still have to choose the same date to end it bitterly. Making it worse than it already was.

 

°❀•°✮°•❀°

_Currently playing: I Don't Know_

_1:00_ _⎯⎯_ _●_ _⎯⎯⎯⎯ -3:52_

_Tears fall again_

_Unknown tears are falling_

_Am I longing for the past?_

_I don_ _’t know, I don_ _’t know_

°❀•°✮°•❀°

 

"Wrong note, again." Chan gulped nervously as Jihoon repeated the same words for the fifth time already since the past thirty minutes. He heard Soonyoung groaned inside the recording booth. "I used exactly the note you told me," Soonyoung scoffed through the mic.

"I won't say you wrong and asked you to repeat if you used the right note, Soonyoung." Jihoon rolled his eyes, starting to get annoyed.

"Now again, and I said raise the note a little bit higher not dragging it." Jihoon released the talkback button before Soonyoung could reply anything.

Chan sighed quietly as he tried to practice his part. Jihoon and Soonyoung both asked him to stay in the room since he was going to record after Soonyoung, and they all know what will happen if the two were left alone in a room.

But the current situation was not what he always face. The atmosphere in the room was getting heavier as time goes by and Chan could not stand it. The fight between his hyungs that day felt so different. Compared to the past fights, it felt very intense and they even used a lot of harsh words. Even harsher than usual.

Chan was snapped out of his thought when he heard Jihoon slammed the talkback button.

"Soonyoung, do you think I have time to play with you right now?" Jihoon said between his gritted teeth.

Even though Chan was sitting behind him, he could felt that Jihoon's deadly stare was shot straight to Soonyoung who was standing behind the glass. Then he felt the hairs on his arms and neck rose when he saw Soonyoung gave the same deadly stare back to Jihoon.

"I don't even have time to choreograph our dance so can you please stop being so annoying right now? You keep interrupting me saying I'm wrong and-"

"Because you _are_ wrong, Soonyoung! Do you even fucking know the difference between raising notes and dragging it?! If you think you've practiced enough to come and record, well, think again. You act like you never sing!"

The only thing Chan could thought at that moment was to run away from the room. But he was too afraid that they both would snapped at him too so he just sat there and pretended to practice. Although he clearly could not focused on anything else besides the harsh words between the two.

Suddenly, the recording booth's door flew open and Soonyoung stormed out of it.

"You know what, I've had enough of this bullshit. I just have like two fucking stupid lines and you still being so picky about how I sing it. People won't even notice if my voice was in the fucking song." Soonyoung grabbed his jacket, his phone and some other stuff while muttered furiously under his breath, but just loud enough for Jihoon to hear it.

"Where do you think you're going? You haven't finish recording yet." Jihoon said bluntly as if he did not hear Soonyoung's mumbles. The taller then turned to him, fury in his eyes as he tried his best to control his anger towards the smaller.

"Well, like you said, I have to think again whether I've practiced enough for my part or not. And I thought about it and the answer is no, I don't practiced enough. So, I think I better leave before you think I came here just to play."

Finishing his words, Soonyoung walked out of the room after intentionally slammed the door, leaving both Jihoon and Chan in shocked silence.

Jihoon clenched his fists tightly with his eyes still glued to the door. Thoughts running through his minds as his words and actions to Soonyoung kept repeating in his head. He never snapped at Soonyoung during recording even after they broke up. But this day, he even raised his voice towards the latter.

_'I wouldn't have done that if he doesn't repeated the same mistakes again and again.'_

Because Soonyoung rarely make a mistake when recording. He always knew what to do and he always be the earlier one to finish.

_'It was his fault too.'_

Jihoon fingers ruffled his hairs frustatedly before he spun his chair, back facing the door.

"You want to record now, Chan?" he asked without even looking at the poor maknae. He looked through the papers in front of him, finding Chan's part in the song.

"Urmm, c-can I go to the toilet for a minute?" Chan stuttered. He needed some times to calm himself after the unexpected situation that just happened in front of his very two eyes.

Jihoon sighed. He knew he did wrong by made the actions earlier in front of the younger. He was not supposed to see the ridiculous fight of his hyungs yet he already witnessed everything.

"Yeah, sure." He then heard some shuffles behind him, signalling Chan started to leave the room. As the sound of the door was heard, he quickly stopped Chan.

"Chan?" He spun his chair around, facing the young boy.

"Yes?"

"Can you bring me some water when you come back?"

"Sure." Chan was about to leave when Jihoon stopped him again.

"And..Chan?" Chan turned and looked at Jihoon, patiently waiting for the older to continue his sentence.

"I'm sorry..." It was barely a whisper but Chan heard it. His lips curved into a small smile.

"That sorry wasn't supposed to be for me. But I'll accept it anyway." He closed the door gently, leaving Jihoon alone in the studio with more thoughts running through his mind.

_'Ridiculous fight? You know how all of these were far from ridiculous. You heard how Soonyoung's voice spilled hurts everywhere. You know how hurt you are when you raised your voice to him. How is this sound like the same ridiculous fight, Lee Jihoon?'_

"I-I don't know." His weak voice answered the thoughts. Jihoon then buried his face in his hands that were on the table.

_'That sorry was supposed to be for you, Soonyoung.'_

 

°❀•°✮°•❀°

_Currently playing: I Don't Know_

_1:45_ _⎯⎯⎯⎯_ _●_ _⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯ -3:52_

_It's painful to face you_

_I know you wanna hear me say something_

_But my emotions are going awry_

_The scars and guilt twist up again_

_This wall of destruction crushes us_

°❀•°✮°•❀°

**Author's Note:**

> so, basically a bitch just trying to learn how to use ao3 so she uses the only finished au she has. haha. if this went well i might post my other aus here too.
> 
> shameless promo;
> 
> i write soonhoon aus on twitter so find @leekwon_haneul for some more shitty aus. dont follow if you dont want a random ass bitch ranting about her shitty life passed by your tl.


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